pissed off
well today I didn't set my alarm, I thought I'd get up when I wake up, unfortunately it was 6pm when I surfaced, just as b.f. came home, so he was in an instant sulk. I said I would clean up the bedroom today and I hadn't done it.. so I did it, after talking to a few peeps on the phone.
My obsessions and compulsions have been at an all time high the past few days. When we got back from shopping just before I was stood at the bathroom mirror for ages looking at my glasses, they look wonky so I was trying to adjust them, I was also trying to adjust them so that my eyelashes weren't touching the lenses. I was taking pics on my mobile to see if the lashes really were touching the lenses. Anyway, b.f. came in and said I was obsessed and they are not wonky, I threw a comb across into the bedroom saying something along the lines of ' I can fuckin see in the fuckin mirror they are wonky AND on my pictures, so why do you keep telling me I'm imagining things, fuck off' and I threw something else. With this he threw a bottle of hair gel AT me, which hit my arm and really hurt. So I punched at his arm (which probably hurt me more than him) He was saying , ' if your glasses looked a mess would I still be seen with you?' I said ' well , you are a fuckin ugly cunt and I'm still seen with you' I was saying I don't like being called a liar and if I say my glasses are wonky then they are. He should have just left me alone to obsess in peace. Well I dunno if it is an obsession really, but think I know that the following is a compulsion. . .
Compulsive behaviour.
Well this compulsion has been with me for about 12 years. It is so odd I don't really know how to explain it, or if I should. It always wants to take over me but sometimes suceeds more, like this week.
Well it's like I breathe out, without expelling air, sort of tensing my lungs up against a closed windpipe. Then I have to look out of a window, or towards daylight, and it's like I'm mentally forcing negativity out of my body (well, my head really) , my eyes are tensed open whilst looking toward the daylight and I think the words 'fuck off' (I think them in a sort of cockney accent) and sometimes mouth the words. Then I will wipe the wetness from my mouth with my clothes, like the negativity passing out of me has left some kind of residue on the saliva. This week I have also just been doing the eye tensing and/ or lip wiping independantly of the other ritual. I've also had a few goes at holding my nose and blowing down it - dunno why.
Fuckin hell, I've never written that down before, to read that it sounds totally bonkers! What the hell is it all about?
My obsessions and compulsions have been at an all time high the past few days. When we got back from shopping just before I was stood at the bathroom mirror for ages looking at my glasses, they look wonky so I was trying to adjust them, I was also trying to adjust them so that my eyelashes weren't touching the lenses. I was taking pics on my mobile to see if the lashes really were touching the lenses. Anyway, b.f. came in and said I was obsessed and they are not wonky, I threw a comb across into the bedroom saying something along the lines of ' I can fuckin see in the fuckin mirror they are wonky AND on my pictures, so why do you keep telling me I'm imagining things, fuck off' and I threw something else. With this he threw a bottle of hair gel AT me, which hit my arm and really hurt. So I punched at his arm (which probably hurt me more than him) He was saying , ' if your glasses looked a mess would I still be seen with you?' I said ' well , you are a fuckin ugly cunt and I'm still seen with you' I was saying I don't like being called a liar and if I say my glasses are wonky then they are. He should have just left me alone to obsess in peace. Well I dunno if it is an obsession really, but think I know that the following is a compulsion. . .
Compulsive behaviour.
Well this compulsion has been with me for about 12 years. It is so odd I don't really know how to explain it, or if I should. It always wants to take over me but sometimes suceeds more, like this week.
Well it's like I breathe out, without expelling air, sort of tensing my lungs up against a closed windpipe. Then I have to look out of a window, or towards daylight, and it's like I'm mentally forcing negativity out of my body (well, my head really) , my eyes are tensed open whilst looking toward the daylight and I think the words 'fuck off' (I think them in a sort of cockney accent) and sometimes mouth the words. Then I will wipe the wetness from my mouth with my clothes, like the negativity passing out of me has left some kind of residue on the saliva. This week I have also just been doing the eye tensing and/ or lip wiping independantly of the other ritual. I've also had a few goes at holding my nose and blowing down it - dunno why.
Fuckin hell, I've never written that down before, to read that it sounds totally bonkers! What the hell is it all about?
posted by me-luv-pandas @ 10:41 PM
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