shitty Saturday

well the weekend I had been looking forward to so much has turned out shit. Well I woke up on saturday and I felt really really tired because with being on nights my body still thinks it should be asleep in the day time. Anyway I struggled along to b.f's grandads 80th surprise birthday party, it was a buffet in a local pub / restaraunt. All b.f's dads side of the family were there and I had to think of things to say to them. We went back to the grandads house afterwards and by this time I had just had enough. All the men were playing football on the top lawn, and some ladies were sat on the lawn below, which is where I was, and as I always do, got hit in the head with the football! With this I stormed indoors and sat in the living room, more social anxiety ensued trying to make conversation with the people in there, all the while having negative thoughts about how ugly I looked. By the time I got home I was exhausted, shaking, and my heart must've been doing about 200 bpm.

I had arranged to meet my friend and her husband in the pub that evening as she has just moved into the area and wanted introducing to the locals. So I went there although I was feeling shit. On arrival a big group were standing outside the pub, anxious again :( Once me and b.f and her and her husband got inside and sat down though I actually started to enjoy myself. As usual I got too drunk, and called the local weird woman, well, a weirdo. She didn't seem too bothered and I think she said ' yes we all know that love'. Anyway I began to be really upset that I might have upset someone else, I was in a state when I got home, I think the days tensions had overwhelmed me, and I started to smash things up. I was sat on the toilet, took my favourite tulip vase off the windowsill and smashed and began to hack at my legs. I really swiped down with some force at one point and when I saw my leg I screamed for my b.f. He phoned for my mum and dad as I refused to have it seen to, my dad said if I didn't get in his car he would phone an ambulance so I had to. There was blood all over the house, it was all over the hospital floors once I took my shoe off. The nurse was asking why I had done it, I said I couldn't remember and she left it at that. It really hurt when she was cleaning it out, to the point I thought I was going to vomit, either that or poo myself as I have a weak bowel at the best of times. I was lying there wretching into a vomit bowl, and I kept apologising. Because I had been in the loo after she had given me the lignocaine to numb the area, by the time she was up to the last few stitches it had worn off and it really hurt.