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Why can I not see my post below? It is confusing.


i want to die - I've had enough - I want to be dead. useless. ugly . boggle eyed horrible selfish fat freak - Y can't a meteorite drop on my home, why can't I just die in my sleep? why can't I have the balls to kill myself?if there is a god, please let me die now

bank holiday weekend

Day 3

We got up and got some bagels, we ate them on St. Stephens' Green, then we got the bus to this old jail. Was interesting but I could not concentrate on what the guide was saying coz I needed a poo, I was just worried about pooing myself, I couldn't wait for the tour to end! The main bit of the gaol was impressive, we went back in for a look by ourselves (after I had had a poo) and it was veryy eerie, the wind blowing thru the roof was making some spooky sounds which sounded like screaming !eek!
Then we went into the city centre to a nice pub (more guinness) and my mate had a bulmers cider, she got quite a taste for it. My mate got asked for I.D in the pub, bitch, she is 26! Her ego didn't need stroking anymore really, her head is big enough :D We went in a shop or 2 then walked back to the hotel.
That evening we went on a musical pub crawl , which was good fun. These 2 musicians took us into a few traditional irish pubs and played Irish tunes while we drank. They told us the history of Irish music and showed us and explained to us their various instruments. In the last pub he had us all singing along. There was some yanks beside us not joining in , they were doing my tree in. One of the musicians asked for volunteers to come up by themself to sing, when no-one volunteered he got in a mood, he looked really mad, he quite scared us!! Then we had a McDonalds for supper, ate it sat in a shop doorway to the tune of a busker playing beatles songs on his guitar. I gave the busker my remaining euro coins and we went back to the hotel.
We had a nice relaxing time all in all, the city seems quite small, so we didn't knacker ourselves out walking miles from place to place, and we didn't go hell for leather on the booze like I may have done when I was younger, so I felt more able to get up and see the sights in the daytime.

oh shit what a pong

10 hours of stink. That's what I have just endured on my night shift. My patient had a faceal management system in place, basically a big tube up his arse collecting liquid poo poo. The smell of shite was seeping through the tubing tho, and this was no ordinary shite, this was infected shite. Oh my god, my nostril hairs have burnt off man! I went to check how much poo had drained and oh my god, the bag needed emptying. Now i usually have a strong stomach but I almost vomited while emptying that. I have decided I don't get paid enough. I had to check the mans heels for pressure sores but I only managed to check one heel and I was almost passing out with the stink so had to leave the other one. I can still taste that shite :(

Dublin

Thought i'd make a note of some of the things I did in Dublin before I forget.
Got there about 9pm on 1st night. Got settled in and set out to find some food. We were actually a good half hours walk from the city centre (not 5 mins as specified by travel company!) we found a pizza shop close by tho. I was gonna get a huge pizza but my mate ordered a 7 inch with some chips, so I got the same so as not to be greedy. We ate the food on the bench outside the hotel, my mate left half of hers, as usual, this is why she is so skinny! We were in jimmy jams by 11.30pm. Hotel was ok, just the same as any other hotel I've stayed in , a bit characterless, but comfortable, T.V didn't work at first but my mate soon got someone up to sort it out. We chatted with the lights out for a while before sleeping, we were laughing our socks off about something but i cannot remember what.

Day 2

Me frought with anxiety and self esteem hang ups (but I'll try not to think about them) we set off into town to catch a tour bus. We had the same fella as I had had when I went to Dublin last year with my fella (well he told the same jokes anyway) I didn't really wanna do the tour bus thing again but compromised for the sake of my mate. The bus drove past a whiskey distillary which my friend liked the sound of, so we hopped off, I have also done the whiskey distillary thing before, but again , my mate hadn't. The guide was better than the one at the other distillary I had been to, so i learned more. There was a cat there which had worked in the distillary for 21 years catching mice, and he had been stuffed, I tried to take a pic but my flash was not working.
After that, with a shot of whiskey in us we looked around a few shops and went back to the hotel for a shower.
We decided to try some cuisine that evening that we had never had before, I told my mate she was not allowed chicken either. We chose a Lebanese restaurant. She had chicken! I had stuffed vine leaves and this chick pea casserole thing (washed down with plenty of vino). I told my mate I thought she had an eating disorder as she left almost all her meal , she got arsy with me.
We went for a quiet drink in a bar, then went into a gift shop while tipsy, i bought loadsa shite!Then it was back to the hotel bar for a few guinness and limes. We were taking pics of ourselves then laughing at how stupid we looked. We were comparing nipples before bed time :/ !!!! Few too many stouts I reckon :/

I'll go on to day 3 later I think. Time for my bed

another night shift.......

.. another 10 hours of total hell, I feel so shit I could not even begin to describe why, for fear of plunging deeper into the darkest depths of depression. I don't think I suffer from social anxiety as i once thought, something very similar, social frustration. Getting frusrated that my low self esteem stops me from communicating with others normally. Yes , I would probably call it more frustration than anxiety (is thee a difference?) then the frustration leads to upset and sadness. Such is my frustration (not just due to my social interactions but other things I just can't bear to think about) _ that I have got a blade and I have it in my hand, I feel the frustration would be less if I cut myself , but I don't think I can stand the pain of it as I am tired and sensitive. I don't know what to do, I can't stand this , I see no way out apart from death, I wish I could kill myself.

back from my trip

Got home about 4pm Wednesday afternnon, had a little rest then had to go to work on the night shift. Tired and hungover I have felt like shit all night. My trip has been filled with anxiety, but I have been trying my best not to let it show, trying to keep happy and have a good time when I felt like staying in bed and hiding. So, when i got home, I relaxed my body and brain, and whoosh, depression flooded over me. It's like I've been fighting fighting fighting negative thoughts and feelings for 4 days, and as soon as I let my guard down slighty, depression engulfs me and I can't shake it. I've been eating uncontrollably , I mean way out of control. Pies, pizza, sandwiches, bread, cheese, chocolate, every half hour there has been something going down my gulet. My diet has screwed up , if I could sick up this sandwich / scotch egg and cheese and onion pie I have just scoffed, I would. I have been thinking about slashing up my legs all night, like I couldn't wait to get home and slash my legs up. But I know my fella would end it with me if I cut myself again. I just don't know where to put this negativity. Why am I eating so much? It can't be to make me feel better coz it makes me feel worse, but I can't stop!! I am going to bed now, I don't want to wake up , I really do not.

Thursday

Went to work. Was quite pleased, I was looking after a patient who I admittted onto the unit and I've been looking after him for the best part of a month. I've got to know him (intimately!) and his family, I remember speaking to them when he first came to us and saying how poorly he was and they were distraught. Anyway, today he was discharged, he is by no means better, but he is 'out of the woods' as the saying goes, and so he leaves the intensive care unit. He has been hard work, but we have got there in the end and I felt happy at that, it is times like that when i remember that I do love my job really. I told him to come back and see me when he is better, he gave me a look as if to say ' I aint coming back in here again!'

After work i went into town to try and order a new frame for my broken glasses and also to get some new nose peices for existing glasses, the thought of this trip to the optician had made me sick all week coz I'm no good at goin into shops and askin for stuff, but I managed it. Then i went to look for some trousers for Dublin, found a really nice black pair that fitted me great, but shit, I'd left my bank card at home. Luckily had enough cash for bus fairs. I asked the shop lady to put the pants away for me until I could get back with some money, she said she would keep them til the end of the day. Rushed home, collapsed on settee 4 a bit, then had house upside down looking for bank card, found bank card and went back into town , to find shutters half way down on shop, shit! It was shutting! Perhaps I should have snuck under the shutter and got my goods, but was too nervous etc. Wasted bus fair. I really want them pants, it is rare i find a pair that fit ok, and they were the last pair of size 16 32 inch leg. I'll have to get up early tomorro to get them.

Weigh In !
Yep it's that time of the week again , weight watchers night. Lost a pound, not bad going as I haven't stuck to in properly, in that i should write down wat I eat and work out how many points are in stuff, but I have been doing it in my head, not sticking to it really but just choosing healthy food options. I'll break the fecking scales next week after all the guinness I'm gonna put away over the weekend :D
Just before weightwatchers, sexy workman surprised me and my friend by appearing at the back entrance unexpectadly, he had come to fill in a hole. There is a hole in our yard wall he had come to concrete up or sommat. I managed to exchange a few pleasantaries with him. Then when we were walking back from w.w. he was riding down the street on his quad bike, he stopped to talk to someone, and I said ' are you gonna give us a ride?' and winked, fucking hell, and I was not even pissed!

Ho Hum

tuesday evening

really stressed. £400 on some glasses that got stood on and are now fucked, another £400 on some that are so uncomfortable it is like having a peg on me nose, a vice clamped to me head, not to mention my eyelashes touching the lenses, fellas solution, trim my eyelashes, I shouted at him, now we have fallen out :( again, coz I'm so het up.
Anyway, went to hobbycraft with mother in law this evening, to buy some elastic for making braclets with, was very tense in the car with her, but got thru it ok , managed to squeeze out a bit of conversation. It doesn't help with me being so quiet and her being quite deaf, bad combo. Then watched six feet under, I love that programe, but coul dnot relaxed coz of spex. Bollox

not bad

Tuesday so far has been ok. Met my mum in town at 12.30 (was early for once) I bought some new jeans and a top for my Dublin trip, also some slip on slipper type shoes for £6, also got a new suitcase. We went to the tourist centre for some dinner, they have an organic cafe at the back of the centre which is very nice, and a bit posh. I had salad, with vegetable fajitas, it was good but now i feel a bit sick, sometimes peppers disagree with me. My mum had a sausage butty, she didn't like it. I dunno how many weight watchers points were in my meal, hope I have not gone over my points, but I think I chose a fairly healthy option out of what was on offer. I got a bit anxious when it came to paying at the end, i didn't know if I was supposed to leave the money on the table or go up to the till and pay, I was getting stressed about this, my mum wasn't about to sort it out, as she is more socially anxious than I am. I wanted some sweetners for my tea, but there was just sugar on the table, i thought, oh I'll just had sugar, then I thought NO! I'll bloody well ask for some sweetners, some people may not understand how difficult something like that is, but i did it :D
Went to Morrisons to get something in for tea after that, and bought 4 disposable bar-b-ques :/ feck knows why.

up all night

I hate being up all night, makes me feel so inhuman. I am trying to curb my spending but have ended up spending a fortune again online. It is so easy to see something I want and just put my card details in and get it. Just won some shoes off ebay, they are prob disgusting, like see thru trainers :/ I bought a lateral thigh trainer off ebay, I paid 60 odd squid, now they are going for as little as 99p, sick as a parrot! Never used mine, it is just acting as a shoe rack at the moment.
I have just bought an 8 inch pink vibrator with matching vibrating nipple clamps. Oh god I seem like a right dirty b1tch, if anyone I knew read this I'd literally just die.
Anyway, perhaps I'll get more use out of them than the lateral thigh trainer :D I cannot believe some vibrators are actually sold for £200, jeepers.

waste of space

that's me, i've done cock all today. Woke up and posted on my blog earlier, filled my face then thought I just don't want to be awake / alive, so retired back to bed. I feel so low / ugly / frustrated etc I just could not face life. Got up when b.f came home. We had something to eat and I cleaned the rats out, then I cleaned the kitchen, then I've just been watching telly. What a fucking waste of time being alive.

Sunday Sunday

A bit better than SAturday. Up at 6, went to work. Was looking after a lady who had had major head and neck surgery. It took me ages to bed bath her but I enjoyed tittivating her. I had to clean all of her wounds with saline which took an age, then put cream on. I washed her hair which had not been washed for 3 weeks and it was gross. She did not have a good array of toiletries. I love it when relatives bring in a big toiletry bag full of smellies and creams and talcum powder etc, then I can go mad with the pampering.
Then i cycled home which was hard work, my legs hurt and i was too hot, but my bike had been outside work since the middle of the week when I was too tired to cycle home, so I had to get it home sometime.
Then me and my fella went to a home and garden centre, he wanted some new stones for the fish tank, I bought some rat cage cleaner and some pet hygiene wipes (guess what i'm doing today :/ )I am looking for a yellow washing up bowl but cannot find one anywhere.
Then I came home and had a nice bath and de-fuzzing session and then we went out for tea. I had fish and lobster sauce, but i cannot remember what fish it was! If someone was to say it I'd say. ah that's it. Then we were on the quiz machine and I put my phone to fellas ear to let him listen to a voice mail my friend had sent me, and he said 'piss off' and gave me a well dirty look, so i stormed out, I don't like being told to piss off. I was on the bench outside and i texted him ' get out here now or i'm walking home' it was a long way home. He came out and apologised and we went home.. we saw loads of hot air balloons on the way home, I love hot air balloons

saturday

Went to work, feeling shit, feel like a boggle eyed ugly fuckin freak. Big ball of anxiety encasing my heart and squashing it making it hard to breathe in, can't cope with this. Tension is building up and building up and there is nowhere for it to go, what an earth am I going to do? I feel like my chest is going to explode with all the upset that is inside it.

weigh in

went to weight watchers , me and my mate both put on a pound and a half! Good job I have been excerising this week or it could've been much worse!
Now I'm off round the corner to go to Becky's and get drunk :D

my Thursday so far

Got up about 1 am, wel I actually got up at 5am and have been up for 20 poos since, but have been dropping off back to sleep. After my bottle of wine last nite I decided to order in a 14 inch pepperoni pizza with exra garlic and onions. After eating that I felt fat and guilty so took 15 laxatives. It was very painful when i woke up at 5am.
Anyway, got up at 1 ish.. feeling hungover and manky. Hoovered my backroom up as it was full of cat litter. Tried to scrub red wine off a wall (spilled the glass and it all shot up the wall) it will not come off. Then my friend came round so we could book our Dublin trip online, all booked now :D then she took me to ASDA to buy some bathroom essentials (bog roll in particular). On the way home I saw my sexy workman doing some work outside a local pub, my friend insisted on turning the car round, we drove past him 3 times altogether, with her wolf whisling out of the window and blowing kisses! I was so embarrassed. I am going to weight watchers soon, shit! I have drunk so much wine and eaten so much IO'm sure to have put about half a stone on :(

f*cking ace

the dj only read out my email :D he was saying on air that Iris in Blackburn has got a rat, what possessed me to get a rat? And now he has asked people to phone in with what weird pets they have / would like.. ooo how cool I'm famous :)

lost ratty

took one sip of wine to settle down and watch how clean is your house and you are what you eat, but they are not on! So I decided to put down the wine and clean the rat cage out, coz they stink! Fuckin rats, all the time I spend cleaning out their cage when time could be spent cleaning the rest of the house (i can only do so much you know!! seriously) Anyway, I DROPPED LEXIE. I could see poor tatter falling to the floor in slo mo! I was worried she would bang her little head. Now If I had had a full bottle of vino I would understand that I dropped her, but i had literally ONE SIP, she did wriggle a bit which is prob why she slid out of my grip. So now the capture mission begins, I have blocked off the kitchen as her fave place to reside is in the kitchen cupboards eating all my pot noodles and oven cleaner.
I have just mailed my local radio station to see if I can get a 'shout out' it gives me some kind of thrill to hear my message on the air waves.. sad aren't I?
My friend has just asked me to go away with her for a few days.. I'm worried wat my fella will think about that. I think we are going to Dublin if we can find the appropriate deal on the appropriate days- it will be a good craic to be sure to be sure. I would prefer to go to Scotland or even somewhere down south, but, oh no, my mate likes (loves)

worked up

Well - i've only been up for a few hours and i've worked myself up into a frenzy -- i've been crying and throwing stuff about. My friend wanted me to go on a walk with her, i said no, I'm too anxious. It's my glasses I'm getting stressed about. Hear that. it's a wine cork pooping, I need it to calm me nerves :(

Wednesday 8am

My god I'm so tired after my night shift- was gonna ride my bike home but instead got a lift from a friend. So my bike is still at the hospital. I can hardly walk let alone cycle all the way home! I'm really worried that I'm getting arthritis, my brother got it wen he was about my age. My ankles are hurting at present, and my hips hurt after I have walked a long way, my knees give me jip too. All the bones in my feet are aching this morning. Perhaps it is simply a case of too much weight on my legs :? or because I'm on my feet a lot. God they so need a rub. When I reach my goal weight my treat to myself will be to have a proper massage. oh I'd love a foot massage or back and neck massage. I was gonna treat myself to a nice meal when i reach my goal weight but have decided to stop rewarding myself with food. I also want to have my tragus peirced, but have felt previously I don't deserve to adorn my ugly self with body jewellry, I always felt it would look stupid, but I may reward myself with that too.

my weekend

It's Tuesday morning - I can't seem to type or speak the feelings that are inside me, brain to - hand/ mouth malfunction.

I have not really felt like posting on my blog, although I have had a good weekend as far as socialising is concerned.. my relationship with my boyfriend has took a real nosedive. I think my moods and suicidal ideations have finally got on top of him and he has got to breaking point. He is an absolute nervous wreck and says it is my fault. He says he is constantly worrying about me, especially as he works away a lot and worries what I'll do when he is away, he is an anxious fella at the best of times and I think he has had all he can take of me.
My weight watchers diet has fucked up, I have drunk 10 times my body weight in wine whilst out with friends at the weekend, probably to mask my feelings of shitness. And I am in the process of binge eating

ah shit

Was waiting for bus, to go and meet my friend for my walk and the bus sailed right past me.. bastard public transport. By the time I'd got into town for the next bus it was too late to make it in time to meet my friend and I had to turn back - wasted money, bollox.
Been feeling a bit sad today as someone at work had been commenting on my quietness.

new shoes

I have bought some new walking boots today. So off I go now to walk in them. I can't really be arsed going wlaking, I'm tired and the house needs cleaning, but I also need excercise. My feet still hurt from work tho :(

my bottles

This is the closest thing to my bottles that I can find on the net, they are apothecary show globes, the ones I'm thinking of are just like this, serve the same purpose but don't quite look the same, mine were rounder, I can't rememeber there being a stand at the bottom of my bottles, the globe bit was just flat on the floor. Hmmmm. Anyway, i think they are lovely. I had 2 antique posion bottels but one was thrown out of the window in a rage. I also have an antique glass eye bather.

chicken

I cut up some of my raw chicken, into small cubes, I swallowed about 4 cubes, like swallowing slugs, then I couldn't stand to swallow any- more, probably nothing will happen, I have just lost the plot.

Monday

Been really upset all day. Going a bit off my head. My boyfriend is really upset and doesn't know what to do with me anymore, he says he's going to have to finish it with me if things stay this way. I got him all worked up as I went straight to ASDA after work wihout contacting him to tell him where I was. He phoned his mum as he didn't know what to do, with my current state of mind he wondered what had happened to me as I usually always have a lift from him after a late shift if he is available. But I honestly got the impression he didn't give a shit where i went after work. Anyway, things are not good, the way i feel is tearing us apart, I need support, he can't give it, he can't cope, i can't cope.
I went to ASDA to get my chicken fillets to eat raw tonight, they are sat in the carrier bag just building up germs on them I am contemplating swallowing some raw but I don't think I can. Perhaps if I was drunk I might but I'm not drunk.
I started to walk home from ASDA along the canal, on the way I found a woman who looked about 50 odd, quite smartly dressed, but looked very rough in the face, sitting on the side of the tow path, on closer inspection she was covered in blood, from her nose I think, I asked her what had happened and she was just crying a bit. She smelled like she had drunk 2 bottles of whiskey. I didn't know what to do, leave her there? But it looked like she couldn't walk as she was so pissed and she might fall and hurt herself again. She was asking me to phone her a taxi and I told her she had to get on the main road to get a taxi - she wouldn't (couldn't ??) stand up so in the end I decided to phone the police, dunno if I did the right thing. I certainly wasn't going to pick her up etc. I think she realised I was phoning the police and staggered off, I thought she was going to end up in the canal, I tried to follow her then to make sure she didn't hurt herself, but got scared as she was being aggressive and just went back to where i'd come from to wait for my boyfriend who i'd phoned. Then the police phoned me back on my mobile asking why I had not waited for them, I hope I won't be in any trouble.

I want one of these

Been looking on ebay for one but can't find one, I am not really sure what they are called