tomorrow

Tomorrow I am for sure going to buy some chicken filets and cut them up small and eat it raw and hope that I get salmonella or listeria posioning. I want to get so ill that I cn just lie in bed all day, and perhaps not be able to eat all the shit I've been eating. If the chicken thing doesn't work perhaps I'll swallow some lead. I may do some googling on ways to posion yourself.

oh dear

I feel so bad I don't know what to do, I just can't cope with all these thoughts going on in my head, I don't want to be awake, I really want to be dead I can't take this

Saturday Night

Couldn't really have been much worse, I can't even think about it, everyone hates me, I can't even go to the local pub anymore, I even went on to shout at b.f's mate who is my sexy workman, who is ace and will prob never speak to me again. Everyone hates me.

Saturday

Well Saturday has been shit so far. Got dragged out of bed at 1pm , was still knackered as I'd been up very late watching a scary film. Stubbed my toe in the bathroom so threw a bottle of fairy liquid across the room in a rage. B.F. stormed upstairs and started grousing at me for throwing stuff and we have not stopped arguing since. I was in the shower and he was going on at me so I popped the shower head over the shower door and soaked him through, lol , his face was a picture. Well later on we went out looking at sheds, and I was dying for a wee so he dropped me off at ASDA for a wee, instead of getting back in his car aferwards I stormed off and started walking into town as I couldn't spend another minute with him.
I do hope this stops soon.

Friday - mundane again

Good day at work, my patient was really broken but managed to keep him stable. I had quite a laugh with my colleagues. My student did most of the work as I wasn't feeling too good. I've accidently missed a couple of seroxats and I feel all spaced out. This is why I can't take the contraceptive pill as i used to forget to take it so much that it was no point taking it at all!
I have not been sticking to my weight watchers points and now I feel like a total fat bloater. I ordered a large pepperoni pizza with extra garlic last night, it was blimmin lovely. Today a drug rep. had given us these pasta salad bowls with olive oil and pine nuts, I scoffed one and probably used up my points on that. I really must get back onto the diet or else I'll get the silver 7 ripped off my chart next week :(
I texted my sexy workman last night, I've been trying to resist texting him for ages but last night gave in.

sorry

If anyone is reading my blog I didn't mean to swear at you
x x x

Scar

here is my scar again. I thought that people would think I am disgusting, or attention seeking or whatever else for putting pictures of scars here but at the end of the day I do not giv a fuk anymore what anyone who reads this blog thinks, I am very interested in wounds and wound healing , I am in the wound care group at work, and I delight in taking pics of wounds and charting their progress according to the treatment i have applied to them . So to keep a record of my wound is quite interestin for me to look back on. So, fuck you.....................

my before pic

This is me in New york at 13 stone 5lbs, or perhaps more, as I only weighed myself a few weeks after I came back. (well it may as well be me, the pic i have of myself looks JUST like this)

Just been contacting my 2 sisters via text. I've never been as close to my sisters as my brother and i don;t se them that often, infact I get quite SA around them, I think they don't like me, ESPECIALLY the older one, I always thought she didn't like me. It prob came from the fact that they are quite a bit older than me (19 years 16 years older) and when I got a bit older myself I heard about nights out / in / holidays together that my 2 sisters were having and I felt very left out. One xmas when I was about 21 my 2 sisters and my mum arranged to go out for a meal and a drink and they never invited me, I went absolutely mad, my 2 sisters came to my house to pick my mum up and I was ranting on 'I may as well not have a fucking family, no-one cares about me, you leave me out like I'm not even part of any family' and that feeling lives with me even now, like i am nothing to them, just an inconvenience that annoyed them when they were teenagers living at home, and now couldn't give a shit if they never saw me again. I was closer to my brother as he more or less brought me up while my dad was out drinking and womanising, but as my brother is now dead I got thinking I should make an effort to see the family I have left. I only have my mum, dad and 2 sisters, no other family, and the sisters I have don't wanna kno, so I'm fucked, when my parents are gone (they are getting on a bit now) I'll be so alone. I have neices and nephews, on the rare occasion I see them I can't speak to them coz of this damn disorder of mine, SA or whatever it is is estranging me from my whole family. Anyway, I've been trying to arrange to meet my sisters at some point but they just don't seem bothered :( Even if I do manage to see them I'll feel like it is an effort for them and they can't wait for me to go home. I miss my brother. Anyway I've ranted on enough.

LOOK!!!!!

I hope some fecker reads my blog this week somehow. Look can you see it? On my weight watchers weight tracker card IT'S A FECKIN SILVER 7!
I've waited weeks to see that silver 7 on my card, half a stone :D yay. Doesn't seem much but I'm pleased. I know some people lose that in a week but it's been a hard slog for me. Well when I went to New York at xmas time I was 13 stone 5lb , so I've lost over a stone since then by various methods. Here;s to the next silver 7 :D

mundane

Went to work after not much sleep at all. Was in house alone last night and was a bit spooked. Plus I've bought a smart price quilt from ASDA, I thought, well a quilt's a quilt so it doesn't matter if it's cheap, but it really is shit and disturbing my sleep, it's like sleeping with a peice of cardboard laid on top of me, so my head was a bit up my arse crack at work, though I managed not to kill anyone :D
Mum and dad picked me up after work to take me to B and Q for some plants and soil for my new lovely outside plantpot. I didn't really have much to say to mum and dad, I was being very quiet which I felt bad about. Mum looked sad today. I wanted to plant the pot up when I got back but I hadn't bought enough soil!
My life is sooo exciting :/ I should do some cleaning now but am f**ked, I'm goin to bed, then to weight watchers later, eek , I wonder if I'll get my silver 7.
I was gonna meet my friend tonight for a drink and she texted to ask me if i wanted to go out still, and I said ' up to you' and she said ' let's not bother'. So I am worry worry worrying, about why she doesn't want to bother, perhaps she doesn't want me anymore? Perhaps she feels uncomfortable in my company? Perhaps she is pissed off with my shilly shallying and inability to make a decision on whether I want to go out or not.. Oh dear.

Magic oil

Wel this may be a bit gross, but i thought it would be interesting to look at pics of my scar throughout the usage of the magic bio-oil, to see if it works. The scar tissue has over-grown causing an unsightly lump on my leg, it is itchy and sore. I used the oil last night as well as tonight and the scar has gone a bit darker round the edges, dunno if that is supposed to happen. Well, here it is...

Tuesday

Not much to report, life boring.
Went to work, my patient was really poorly, at one point I looked at his blood pressure and it was 50 / 20, which (for those not in the know I'll tell you) is a tad worrying. He was ok after a shot of adrenaline. Then he had to go for a c.t scan which is hard work what with numerous tubes, drains and wires, but it all went smoothly. I'm just glad I was on shift with some good workers who helped me out, otherwise I'd have been rushed off my feet. I feel I was a bit crap with the relatives, I find it hard talking to relatives at times, especially as we didn't know quite why the man was so ill. If I have a clear picture of someones condition I can funtion better with the families. I had a student with me who was very helpful but a bit dim. I gave her some potassium to give to the patient, I said ' now in that bag is 100mls, and it needs to run over 2 hours, so how mant mls an hours do we need to give it at' she said '300mls / hr', I said 'no' JESUS FUCKING SHIT, i THOUGHT I WAS BAD AT MATHS. She couldn't for the life of her work it out. I had to explain also the fatal consequences of giving potassium too fast.
Got a rub off b.f. when I got home. I've been putting some special scar oil on one of my scars as well as my usual creams, so I'll have to see what happens with it.

can't sleep

Too many horrible thoughts going round in my head.
And i miss my brother, I want him back.
And I'm terrified about the future.

feckin great

oh joy - I've just pigged out, another week of stepping on the scales and being embarassed that I've put weight on. Just eaten 2 tubs of cottage cheese. I Fuckin love cottage cheese. It was ASDA good for you cottage cheese, but even so, I didn't have enough weight watchers points left to eat that!! Feel fat and horrible now, I may go on ebay and buy even more shite! Just recently bought a pair of earrings that are like lemon slices, I was gonna bid on som jewelry that was like them party ring biscuits, remember them>>??? but the bidding got too high and I'm supposed to be curbing my spending.
I also think I will have a look at vibrators, coz mine is gettin a bit borin

pissed off

well today I didn't set my alarm, I thought I'd get up when I wake up, unfortunately it was 6pm when I surfaced, just as b.f. came home, so he was in an instant sulk. I said I would clean up the bedroom today and I hadn't done it.. so I did it, after talking to a few peeps on the phone.
My obsessions and compulsions have been at an all time high the past few days. When we got back from shopping just before I was stood at the bathroom mirror for ages looking at my glasses, they look wonky so I was trying to adjust them, I was also trying to adjust them so that my eyelashes weren't touching the lenses. I was taking pics on my mobile to see if the lashes really were touching the lenses. Anyway, b.f. came in and said I was obsessed and they are not wonky, I threw a comb across into the bedroom saying something along the lines of ' I can fuckin see in the fuckin mirror they are wonky AND on my pictures, so why do you keep telling me I'm imagining things, fuck off' and I threw something else. With this he threw a bottle of hair gel AT me, which hit my arm and really hurt. So I punched at his arm (which probably hurt me more than him) He was saying , ' if your glasses looked a mess would I still be seen with you?' I said ' well , you are a fuckin ugly cunt and I'm still seen with you' I was saying I don't like being called a liar and if I say my glasses are wonky then they are. He should have just left me alone to obsess in peace. Well I dunno if it is an obsession really, but think I know that the following is a compulsion. . .

Compulsive behaviour.
Well this compulsion has been with me for about 12 years. It is so odd I don't really know how to explain it, or if I should. It always wants to take over me but sometimes suceeds more, like this week.
Well it's like I breathe out, without expelling air, sort of tensing my lungs up against a closed windpipe. Then I have to look out of a window, or towards daylight, and it's like I'm mentally forcing negativity out of my body (well, my head really) , my eyes are tensed open whilst looking toward the daylight and I think the words 'fuck off' (I think them in a sort of cockney accent) and sometimes mouth the words. Then I will wipe the wetness from my mouth with my clothes, like the negativity passing out of me has left some kind of residue on the saliva. This week I have also just been doing the eye tensing and/ or lip wiping independantly of the other ritual. I've also had a few goes at holding my nose and blowing down it - dunno why.

Fuckin hell, I've never written that down before, to read that it sounds totally bonkers! What the hell is it all about?

Sunday

It is now 01.24am Monday morning, why are the times not showing correctly on my blog? It's very annoying.
I finished my night shifts on Sunday morning, came home and plucked 4 hairs out of my left breast and went to bed. (why oh why do I keep growing hairs here? Always 4 or 5 thick black hairs, always on the left, never the right! Not to mention all my other hair problems, but that's for another day. Hey I'm not one of them bearded ladies or owt if that's what you are thinking)
Anyway I told b.f not to let me stay in bed all day so I could get my body clock back in some kind of order. He woke me up at 13:20pm, I muttered some expletives and hid my head under the duvet, so he returned at 14:20pm and this time I dragged myself out of bed.
We went to a mill shop looking at plant pots for our back yard but didn't see any we liked, so went to another garden centre and I found a lovely grecian urn type pot (shit I must be getting old, I never thought I'd see the day when I would be talking about lovely plant pots) I bought this along with some reggie rat food. Then we went to Lytham St. Annes for tea at Brewers Fayre next to the sea, I was being proper grumpy as I was tired. b.f tried his best to make conversation bless him as the last time we ate out I said he was an ignorant fucker for not making conversational effort and playing with his mobile the whole time. I had grilled chicken (with mash not chips as on weight watchers) and a large glass of vino tinto (just the one , pleased at that) then we had a go on the quiz machine. I was thinking about goin on a walk down to the sand dunes after this but it was cold and raining and I had no coat so we went in the amusement arcade. b.f has given up slot machines as he had an addiction, so we had a game of pool and I was sulking coz I lost... badly! I always used to wear a coat , even in summer, as felt very self conscious, but this year I've not been bothered as much, dunno why, perhaps I'm givinless of a shit as I mature.
Got home (had really bad back ache in the car) and got the rats out to play as they had not been out for a few days, I was meant to keep an eye on them and not fall asleep, but I fell asleep, and here I am again, awake in the middle of the night, body clock fucked up!
Not a bad day , well what I saw of the day anyway, had lots of negative thoughts and worries but tried my best to push them aside

aching

I have done some excercise twice in one week :) The pic is proof that I actually walked home from work this morning, It killed me, I'm still aching from Wednesday's walk, it's especially my hips and my shoulders that hurt . So, here you have my shitty mobily fone pic, guess which route I took home.


I feel a bit better than i did yesterday morning. But I'm so tired.
I laughed so much last night that my eyes watered, I like it when that happens, it doesn't happen much. I can hear b.f. stirring upstairs, I don't mean to be nasty but i really can't be arsed talking to him, I just wanna go upstairs and get in bed, I'm so tired I just wish someone would wash me, brush my teeth, carry me to bed and tuck me in. Oh , perhaps rub my shoulders and feet for me too. I tell you what , I'll go upstairs and ask b.f to rub my sore bits and later on when I get up I'll tell you what response I got. 'you' who is 'you' I don't even know if any buggar is reading my blog, anyway, time for my bed.

HELP

I really want to fucking die
And my brain is too mashed to even say why

:(

Went to work. Was feeling quite up for most of the shift, was planning to walk home, walk off the chinese that we had in the night. Then , at around 5pm , depression came and hit me like a ton of bricks , now I just feel like dying.

Spoiled bRATs

Here are my nice clean spoilt tatty ratties with their new log cabin. It looks like they are giving eachother a kissy wissy in this pic, aw, they love eachother really :D

Here is another, they had been muck spreading in this field . .it Stank!! At least it had dried up. This is the field in which I sprained my ankle, not looking where I was going.

Ok - let's give this a try.. here is proof that I actually get some fresh air sometimes :) You can see Darwen tower way in the distance upon yonder hill.

time too clean rat sh1t

I'm up now. Had a lovely dream about snogging someone :D
I've got a manky tooth that is annoying me.. well it's not a tooth it's a pole with a temporary white filling on it, I'm waiting for a new tooth made, but I couldn't get to dentist til September!!
Even then it'll take a good few weeks to be made after moulds are took etc. But food keeps getting under it and I get funny tastes, I get paraniod that I stink -I'm gonna pinch a curved mouth rinser from work so I can get right in and squirt mouthwash into the area. Mouthwash makes me barf but it has to be done.
When I get my camera back later I'm gonna have a play at posting pics onto the blog.
RATS... here I come

sore head

Well, I'm on nights tonight again. . I've more or less just woke up, with a stinking headache !! I need to clean out the rats but I'm gonna take some pain killers and go back to bed for a while. Wow, I have a packet of paracetamol in my hand and for once don't feel like gobbling the whole lot.
I am stressing about appearing ignorant to the friend whose party I didn't go to. She also called me up the day after to see if I wanted to go out with her and her b.f. but I didn't answer my mobile.. I never answer my mobile unless it is my b.f or my parents, even then I may not. I was busy that evening but i should've replied to her at least. Then the next day she came round for a shower (hers is broke) she was ringing the doorbell but I was in bed and I ignored it. So, she will prob not speak to me anymore now. I did apologise to her when I saw her at work, saying I'm sorry if I appeared ignorant. I just get in these moods, when I don';t want to be bothered, that's why I lose friends, can't help it. I must make more of an effort in future, if she forgives me.

The bloody window cleaner keeps frightening me to death every week. This morning I was up to something rude in my bedroom *blush* and a shadow appeared thru the curtains, hope he didn't hear owt :/

ut-oh

Just found out that I've left my camera in my friends car, which is good that I've found it, but bad coz there is a rude pic on it. I hopw she doesn't flick thru the pics :/
Well I've bought myself a bottle of wine from the spar, took 2 sips and felt sick so I chucked it down the sink.. I know it's a waste of money but I really didn't want to drink anymore.
All this walking works up an appetite.. just been top the chippy for cheese n onion pie and chips.
My b.f is away for the night so he can't moan at me about it.

heh heh

I really should read though posts properly before submitting them, spot the typing error below :D

Day off

Well after a stretch of 7 days on shift at work I finally have one day off today. I was getting really crabby with my patient at work and even shouted at him yesterday. He coughed a big gob of phlegm up into his mouth, grabbed hold of his sheet and was about to spit it into the shit, I shouted 'don't spit that on the sheet that's disgusting' Patience of a saint me :)
Today I got up at about 12 : 40, my dad had come round to stick some edging around the kitchen tiles as where they joined the worksurface previously, it was all scruffy. Anyway, I didn't like the job he had done and ripped half the edging off in a rage.. obviously after he had gone.
Then I did some housework *yawn* then dishy workman came to paint the yard walls. I actually had a SOBER conversation with him, which was very hard for me. Lots of awkward silences etc. I usually only speak to him in the pub when I've had 2 bottles of vino! I am very odd in conversations I reckon, my train of thought flits about like a butterfly, flying from one subject to the next, regardless of whether it ties in with what has just been said or not! When he was speaking I wasn't really listening, just thinking about what I would say next. I think I'm over-analysing this now.
This evening I went on a 2 hour walk with a friend and some of her family. It was really good to get some fresh air, it was an organised walking group run by the council. I got chased by a herd of cows which wasn't good, I also twisted my ankle and got stung by a nettle. To top off the evening I've just trapped me finger in the yard door!
I took some photos on my walk... but I dunno where my bloody camera is ! It was in my hand, I've either left it in the spar when i went in after the walk , or left it in my friends car, or dropped it trying to put it back in my bag ..HmMM>>?

here I am again

Well I have not put anything on this blog for a wee while, firstly because I have cock all to write about, and secondly someone made me feel like I was exposing too many of my feelings to the public.
So, what have I done since I last wrote hmm :/ well, worked , slept, worked, slept, worked, drooled over delightful workman in back yard, slept. Oh. went to weight watchers, put ON half a pound yay! Weight watchers leader : 'so why do you think you put on weight this week?'
Me : 'well Sandra I slashed my leg open and was unable to exercise and was feeling so sorry for myself I've been eating shit loads of pasta with pounds of cheese on'
I have been feeling very SA and obsessed with stuff this week, work has been really hard. Especially today when there has been lots of extremely loud characters on shift and that makes me withdraw into myself more. I have been taking these diet pills, which supress your appetite by effecting your seretonin, I don't think they are supposed to be taken with anti-d's, and I think now I know why, it sends you barmy.
I hope I sleep tonight, I'm on the early shift tomorrow, then am meeting a friend after work. She had sex with a new fella for the 1st time last night and said he had the biggest willy she has ever seen, so I need to see her in person so she can gesture just how big :D
I was supposed to be nipping into a friends house round the corner after work tonight as she is having a house-warming party, but I have just got home from work, by the time I had got washed / changed etc it'd be well after 10pm, then I'd not know anyone there, and I'd get so het up with SA I'd not be able to calm down and sleep and I'm up at 6, hope she is not offended that I never went.

Well I have more or less done bugger all today. I was in bed until 5pm when my fella dragged me out of it. I couldn't face being awake and dealing with the bad thoughts in my head. Anyway, I managed to rise and cleaned out the rat cage. I think one of them must have had the shits as it was a real mess inside! No matter how much I clean it, it still always smells a bit. I think one of them has been cocking their bum up and sort of weeing outside of the cage too (who could blame them, you wouldn't want to piss on your floor would you?) Wel I hope none of it has gone on my carpet. I have put a fan on top of their cage as they were looking a bit lethargic in this heat, I also sprayed them with a bit of water, which they didn't like, and hid.
I also just cleaned my bathroom, I will hoover it tomorrow in the daytime, and I will clean the inside of the shower door when I'm actually having a shower in the morning.
My leg now hurts coz I've been bending down to clean. Dunno what I'm going to do all night now , probably lie down and wish I was dead :/

tired

I have done nothing but sleep and sleep today (apart from have a quick look online), perhaps it is because I have lost a lot of blood, my mum says I look pale. Changed the dressing on my leg, the stitches are well thick, it's gonna leave a hell of a stupid stitch mark scar, I dunno why the stitches are so thick. I'm not looking forward to taking them out, I'll do it myself.
My boyfriend is going to London tonight for work and I don't want him to :(

shitty Saturday

well the weekend I had been looking forward to so much has turned out shit. Well I woke up on saturday and I felt really really tired because with being on nights my body still thinks it should be asleep in the day time. Anyway I struggled along to b.f's grandads 80th surprise birthday party, it was a buffet in a local pub / restaraunt. All b.f's dads side of the family were there and I had to think of things to say to them. We went back to the grandads house afterwards and by this time I had just had enough. All the men were playing football on the top lawn, and some ladies were sat on the lawn below, which is where I was, and as I always do, got hit in the head with the football! With this I stormed indoors and sat in the living room, more social anxiety ensued trying to make conversation with the people in there, all the while having negative thoughts about how ugly I looked. By the time I got home I was exhausted, shaking, and my heart must've been doing about 200 bpm.

I had arranged to meet my friend and her husband in the pub that evening as she has just moved into the area and wanted introducing to the locals. So I went there although I was feeling shit. On arrival a big group were standing outside the pub, anxious again :( Once me and b.f and her and her husband got inside and sat down though I actually started to enjoy myself. As usual I got too drunk, and called the local weird woman, well, a weirdo. She didn't seem too bothered and I think she said ' yes we all know that love'. Anyway I began to be really upset that I might have upset someone else, I was in a state when I got home, I think the days tensions had overwhelmed me, and I started to smash things up. I was sat on the toilet, took my favourite tulip vase off the windowsill and smashed and began to hack at my legs. I really swiped down with some force at one point and when I saw my leg I screamed for my b.f. He phoned for my mum and dad as I refused to have it seen to, my dad said if I didn't get in his car he would phone an ambulance so I had to. There was blood all over the house, it was all over the hospital floors once I took my shoe off. The nurse was asking why I had done it, I said I couldn't remember and she left it at that. It really hurt when she was cleaning it out, to the point I thought I was going to vomit, either that or poo myself as I have a weak bowel at the best of times. I was lying there wretching into a vomit bowl, and I kept apologising. Because I had been in the loo after she had given me the lignocaine to numb the area, by the time she was up to the last few stitches it had worn off and it really hurt.

Dog

My boyfriends mums dog had to be put down yesterday, we had to go round to her house because she was distraught. The little westie was lying in her basket in the kitchen and she looked very cute, I gave her a stroke and said goodbye to her. She was a strange one, not one of these who would have a stroke off anyone, she was very fussy about who she associated with. If you tried to stroke her she'd just bugger off somewhere, I think it was because she didn't know me well, maybe she was shy?? When she stayed with us when bf's mum ws on holiday, she would cry if b.f went out, I was never good enough for her!
Anyway, I felt very awkward when we went round there, didn't know what to say, there were lots of awkward silences. She loved that dog like a child and was very traumatised. My mobile kicked off with it's obscenly silly ringtone in the midst of all the tears in the kitchen, oops :/
When b'f's stepdad went out to go to work he pointed at the dog and said ''hey, no barking when I get home you'' (hee hee) I bet he's in for a bollocking when he gets in!!!
Oh I wish I could go to sleep, I'll give it a try now.

new spex

Well I went and chose some new glasses, they are black frames, I didn't know if they were a bit bold for someone who likes to fade into the background but I thought I'd be brave. They are costing £400 OUCH! I asked the lady if there ws anything that could be done to stop my eyes from being magnified so much , she said no. I may post a pic of the glasses if I can find them on the fcuk website. I also bought some new towels from debenhams, half price, and also some new pyjamas and slippers. I have taken to sleeping in the nude recently, but with workmen about a lot, I have bought a couple of pairs of p.j's, it is quite a sexy p.j top, not tried it on yet tho, it has 'secret support' in it to hold you up a bit.
I have more to post about a dog, but it'll have to wait.

very upset

Well thank fuck for that! I have finished my stretch of night shifts now, it was painful! I was so irritated with my patient this morning, he kept tapping his suction tubing on the side of the bed to get my attention and I felt like wrapping the tubing around his neck!
I am feeling very upset and feel like cutting up my legs, I have some new craft knifes which would do the job just nicely :( Well the thing is, one of the girls at work had been to Halifax bank yesterday and got some 'Howard' glasses, the lenses that make your eyes look massive. Well, they all had them on and they were all saying they were my glasses. I put them on and made a joke and said ' yeah these are my new specs, I've had them thinned down so my eyes will look smaller in them' They were all laughing but I felt like killing myself at that moment. How the hell am I supposed to ever feel good about myself when I constantly look like a fucking geek with magnifying glasses strapped to my fucking head??? (don't usually swear but I'm so frustrated) I just feel like an ugly freak and it's never going to change. I guess it is a question of accepting myself for who I am , as I can't have laser eye treatment, I can't wear contact lenses, but I just feel so ugly and awful. I'm actually going to choose some new specs today with my mum, but even when I pay 100's of squid for the thinner lenses I cannot get away from the fact that to enable me to see, things need magnifying, and in turn my eyes will be magnifyed. Well at least I aint blind eh?
On a lighter note, I lost 4lbs at weight watchers, these diet pills may be bad for me but what the hell, they are working :D
Time to visit the land of nod. I see can see my blog becoming quite swearsome, I don't know what blogs are supposed to be like and I don't know if I'm doing it right. I hope no-one I know finds it, I wonder if they will be able to find it somehow.. hmm..

night shift and sore bits

I've just come home from my night shift, it was hard work, nights are hard work in general, they are much quieter than days, which mean people sit around more and CHAT! Oh I hate that word, chat. I have been feeling very anxious tonight, knowing that I'm hardly speakng to people but feeling I should be speaking to them, and getting frustrated when no words will come out. My head is just full of thought after negative thought about myself. Oh well, it was a boring night work wise, the negative thoughts tend to quell a bit when it is busier. I spent 10 minutes trying to wash a bit of muck from the end of a mans willy, then I noticed he had freckles all over his legs and I was in fact trying to scrub away a freckle :/
I have a gammy finger which has hindered my work as it is really sore. It is where I have bit the skin off the side of my finger and it has probably got some bug living in it now, probably MRSA, it is a bit pussy. I was half wishing it would get really really infected and give me blood poisoning, but then I thought if it got really sore and I had to stay off work I wouldn't be able to do anything that involved my right hand, and I would be a bit bored. Also sore are my boobies, they have been like this since Monday, only on the underneath, and the skin on the underneath is numb?!! If it is not related to having my period (no sign of period yet) do you think I should go to the doctors? WHo the hell I am asking that question to I don't know because I haven't even told anyone I have a blog so no buggar will be reading this. Well I think I will go to bed now, my hands are sore and dry as I have washed them so much in the night, intensive moisture required. I was gonna make a lasagne before I went to bed but cannot be arsed, must set my alarm clock for weight-watchers this evening.

oh my , a blog

Well, I had to open a blog account in order to post a reply on someone elses blog. So I thought I would actually write something in this blog. I feel very anxious writing here. It's perhaps because I think a blog should be entertaining and amusing and interesting, and I am about as amusing / interesting etc as a big fat slug. So I don't even know why I'm writing, I don't want anyone to read it, I suppose it may be just an outlet for my thoughts. I suppose if I write here I can stop annoyng ' lemon squeezy' my internet friend. Well, I think he is my friend, he probably thinks I'm an annoyance. I liked him so he got lumbered with emails from me containing my various ramblings, so perhaps now I can leave him alone, and leave him to talk to people with a personality who are at least a little bit interesting. And so the moaning begins :) . . . .